Let’s talk about sex

I am beginning a new series in which I explore three problems that usually crop up at one point or another during the course of a marriage: sex, finances, and in laws.

This, the first post, explores sex and the issues that it can cause in relationships if it is not properly addressed and dealt with. One of the most important factors to bear in mind is that males and females are different. For men, sex is a mostly physical act, the absence of which has actual, physical consequences.

For women, however, the drive is not quite as physical, but rather has a large emotional component to it – so where men are simply interested in doing the deed, if you will, women are more likely to be influenced by their mood, the general mood of the relationship, chores, the presence or absence of children… Basically, women have a lot more thought processes going on when it comes to sex than what men do.

Now the unfortunate consequence of this is that it can lead to a disconnect, and to decreased levels of overall sexual satisfaction for both partners. The frequency and duration of sexual activity is, of course, variable from couple to couple, and as such there is no right or wrong, but sometimes we females tend to overthink things, and get into our own heads a little too much. What turns a man on is really simple; women are much more complicated.

On average, men think about sex more often than women do, and they have higher sex drives, but simply understanding the fact that men and women are different does not a better relationship make.

So, practically, what does this mean? Well, women, it’s important to remember that your man isn’t overthinking things, but that it is actually just a primitive drive sometimes, that is not subject to the emotional constraints to which yours is. So a good idea here is to have some kind of signal, a candle that is lit, for example, when either of you desire sex. This gives you time to work up to the idea, to get in the mood. Then take the chance to beautify yourself so that you feel good, and desirable.

…Men, remember that it’s not just a physical thing for women. Build up to it … Take time to ask what type of things she likes, and then listen to what she says. Make her feel good about her self, and she’ll be more likely to share it with you.


Sex can sometimes lose it’s spontaneity, especially in the Autumn years of a relationship, so it’s important to spice it up, make it interesting and exciting. Try new things, never stop growing together. When times get tough and busy, make time to be alone together, for intimacy. Make a point of experiencing this most intimate part of a union to the full, for both of you.

If you or your spouse are battling with any issues relating to your sex life, come and see me, and let’s make your sex life something fulfilling and exciting for both of you https://www.abbygreen.co.za/couples-counselling-in-cape-town/